Author Archive

GODS

anyone who struggles will adapt and grow. That is a natural law. The trick is the correct amount of the pressure in the right area to reap the required results. Growth is a good thing when one grows in the right direction.

All roads will eventually lead to the same destination. However some travelers will reach that destination much sooner and with less scrapes and bruises . If one reaches a state of harmony with their true will then they will be in harmony with the surrounding universe. And if they abide in such harmony then they will transcend any accepted concept of pain and suffering.

If any instance of suffering is taken as a mere feedback and used for the sole purpose of learning from that particular moment of life experience then every future moment of apparent pain and suffering will be transformed into a direct cause of enlightenment.

The key is to let go of the urge to escape situations that we perceive as a threat to our ego selves and to embrace all of life wholeheartedly. We must take hold of the wheel and steer ourselves to freedom. Your demons are just as much a part of you as your God is. If you attempt to deny the influx of the realization into your life thank you debase the most basic law of our existence. Without darkness there can be no light. Without evil, how would we know good and without pain, we could never fully grown into the Gods that we were meant to become.

Jeheshua

What’s your “perfect world”?
LPW

Do Nothing

In obscuring truth, word after word we as conscious beings, remain bound to suffering by our concepts. Truth is not contained within the narrow constructs of language itself. Through a voice or pen and paper only a representation of what is actual can be manifested. Preoccupied by the reflection of reality, we allow life’s beauty to escape unobserved. We become distracted by the pointing finger and fail to see the radiance to which it points. In seeing we are made blind and in knowing our ignorance is secured.

Enlightenment is an ongoing process, not a final goal. There is no attainment to be sought, no levels of completion and no progress to be graded. There is no end to the journey. There is not even a path to be followed. There is only the realization of essential nature to be uncovered. What is called enlightenment is already present. It is our true nature. It is not “out there somewhere” . It is right here, right now and when realized, it is as a candle being lit, washing away the darkness. Enlightenment is effortless and displayed in this very moment. All that need be done is to do nothing.

What’s your “perfect world”?
LPW

Lost Dreams

As the waxing hours of the morning turn into sunlight upon a distant horizon, I am here– alone– in my bed area. It is silent and yet around me, they are breathing softly and as they sleep , they are dreaming. They are dreaming of freedom, a better place to exist, a place so many long for, a place that not a one of us are that close to. They are dreaming of home.

I once experienced such dreams, . Now when I close my eyes there is nothing. This other world– created by the mind– has all but vanished without hope of return. I sometimes wonder if this lack of mental escape is a sign, a prelude to the realization of madness that I am inevitably inching towards.

My questions are many and my answers are so very few. I watch, awaiting harmony up the path which I believe I freely willed from the beginning. Yet at every turn on this road , I find only chaos. I cannot say that life is all a mystery for there are many lessons that I have learned along the way. I have had a great number of teachers but none more prevalent than death.

I have taken life and as a result, I will never be the same. I was forever changed by the event of that night and for my actions I am indelibly carry this weight with me always– but you wouldn’t know it. for a man’s burden in life is not always displayed upon his face like paint on a canvas.

some of us have refined the spectacle of our personal torment so that what was once thunderous roar is now little more than a whisper which trembles aloft a summer night’s breeze. It shames us in silence and leaving us with tears of solitude streaming down our faces.

Our pain is our own and though it appears to be gone to the naked eye it lingers on– haunting us from the grave. Such is fate but I accept that fate and would not change a single day as it occurred if given the chance. If I did, I would lose the wisdom that those events produced and I have a strange feeling that I will need such knowledge for the future that lies ahead.

Jeheshua

What’s your “perfect world”?
LPW

A Species of Survival

With the thunderous clap of silence so abundantly about my station, my sollitude is clearly certain, I dwell alone here in this moment, my pencil pressed softly against this paper, quietly and single-handedly composing this essay. yet eventhough I abide without a soul’s company, this moment does not pass in absence of your presence.

A connection exists between us. Past, present, and future have all united as one. For I am engaged in writing now and in your mind now is when you are reading. Through this connected flux of conscious input and output our minds have stretched across time and space to become one. We are by no means a single living breathing organism but we are not all together unrelated.. One would not exist without the other.

Had I not written such a paper, you would not be reading it and without your eyes to read it and your mind to understand it , it might as well have not been written. Perhaps I have gone mad as well as a result of being locked within this cell for so many days. Or perhaps I undersand a fact which so often illudes humanity. We are a collective.

A relationship is composed of two sides normally, but the greater relationship of which I speak is that of the collective species. Each of us in our own way contributes to the collective. We exist today because of the contributions of the generations that came before us and as such we are a product of their conjoined ideals.

Our actions of body and speech will dictate the future direction of our species as a whole . OUr children, grandchildren and great grandchildrent will be a sum total of the complete levity of our actions and ideology. A chain is only as strong as it’s weakest link .

Our lives “today” do not belong to us. They belong to our children “tomorrow”. They belong to the future. for that reason, we must prepare our children for that future. What we write, what we say, and how we live will all be remembered and built upon in the same way we look to our elders as examples for guidance. We are connected as aspecies. Not as different variations of such, discriminated by race, culture or geographic origin . There is only one race, the human race; one culture, human culture; one geographic origin, earth. We are one collective– with one goal, survival.

Jeheshua

Singing Sparrow

Inciting cries, disguised by shadows
Perched on high, by night, resides the sparrow
Disgraced with shame, he calls her name.
Setting hearts ablaze with flames of sorrow
Once wanted days of old now come to passing
Unearthed, so lies tomorrow.

Echoes of wind whisper softly
Words of love once thought exhausted,
But the mind resists this daunting gift
For guit and fear must still exist
His once precious desires fall like rain,
And, sadly, years from now he’ll feel the same.

What a waste
For loved and lost his heart’s displaced
Yet in a flash of light, once concealed
A glimmer of hope his mind reveals
A key within
And from that day on
No longer caged and filled with song,
He sings.

Jeheshua

Embracing Mortality

A fleeting glimpse of fading beauty holds timelessly withing my field of vision. My heart leaps and flutters upon witnessing perfection– even if it is only just this moment. Yet– even with this vigorous reflex of my heart and mind– I know the truth all too well. Such a thing is not meant to last.

In the beginning, we are all so new, so fresh and full of life, but somewhere along the way, time makes its’ claim and takes its’ toll and our youth slips away without warning. We turn to look behind and we find that all of a sudden the years which remain ahead are numbered shorter than those that came before today.

Our lives are not the same, not for the fact of time’s toll taken on the body, but because we ourselves have changed. Life has shifted its’ focus away from its’ outside appearances an the ever-changing looking-glass of mind has turned inward. For what reason I don’t know– maybe the mind finds the fleeting beauty of the world less appealing. Or maybe it senses each breath running shorter,each year propelling one toward the grave. Wisdom must bleed trhough if only to right the wrongs that foolish youth has created.

None of us can escape this fate. We are born, we suffer and in the end find death’s sweet embrace standing firmly up on the threshold between this world and the next. We have no choice when it comes to change. In a world where almost nothing is for certain it is the one thing that is inevitable.

No, we can’t control when, where or even how we die –apart from suicide- but we can choose to cross that bridge with a balanced mind. We can lay down our anger, desire and fear. In doing so we are not just beings of truth and purity, , we are truth and light for so many others that will soon make the same journey. Such is the way of all things. Embrace your mortality. Embrace your life.

Jeheshua.

What’s your “perfect world”?
LPW

Who is Thom DeLorenzo and why is he here? Because Thom is an activist of the highest order and goes to the mat when he finds a client, a cause or something that is of great import to him. Here’s a bit about him and then his essay. Read more about him at the end of this piece.

Thomas DeLorenzo

Until just a few years ago, Thomas DeLorenzo never would have believed he could become an HIV/AIDS activist. Before he was “officially” diagnosed with HIV in 2001 — with 60 T cells and a viral load of 300,000 — Thomas had been living in denial. And until 2006, he was too busy dealing with the many side effects of his own HIV meds to think about helping anyone else. Then he and his doctors finally figured out the perfect med combo — and for the first time in many years, Thomas felt, that he actually had a future..

I was not always this outspoken with my status. In fact, in the beginning, I was incredibly fearful. I knew I had AIDS well before the doctors made it official. I was living in denial not stupidity. I knew that when you lose as much weight as I did and you are eating McDonald’s pretty much every day, something isn’t working right. I knew that the sheets were not supposed to be wet every morning from my never-ending night sweats. I knew all that — but I still did nothing about it.

I like to say that I didn’t make a move until I felt comfortable with my insurance. Being self-employed, I get the privilege of buying my own policy, making me vulnerable for cancellation at the insurance company’s whim.

I tell people I didn’t use my policy for the first year in fear of being cancelled for a pre-existing condition, but what really happened was I was just too scared to confront the truth. I had seen it all before and still was in complete disbelief that my body could actually betray me like this. I mean, didn’t we have some unspoken bond, that if we worked together, we would be better off?

Apparently my body didn’t get that memo.

Instead, I lied to everyone around me as to how I lost the weight, become gaunt looking, and just slowly removed myself from the social scene. As a publicist, you are expected to go out all of the time. I could barely make it through the day, much less spend the nights at endless events, and typically I would head straight to bed after work for what was only going to be a few minutes, turning quickly into the entire night. I would miss meals just because I was too tired to get up to do anything about them.

I finally opted to go and visit my long time therapist, Laura Morris. I just blurted out simply, “I am sick.” Being the Jewish mother she was, she instantly clung to other reasons than that elephant I had now sitting in the room with me. Instead of giving me advice, she simply shared her news — her breast cancer recently returned for the third time and she was in the middle of chemo treatments. I had my first survivor buddy.

Initially, I would just sit in my apartment crying, and not doing anything about what was going on. And I just kept getting sicker. At one point my father said, “Are you okay?” and I lied and said I was fine, knowing full well what was going on in my body.

Christmas that year would be a challenge, for I could barely make it through the day. I had made this bargain with myself that I would get through the holiday and I would immediately find a doctor in Los Angeles and begin treatments. I was home, and it was December 26th, 2000, and I was having AIDS symptoms as if it were 1988 all over again. I was underweight by 25 pounds, experiencing spiking fevers and rarely made it off the couch, much less out of bed. I remember praying to God, to have him give me an appetite in Christmas Eve, so my family would not notice that I was hardly eating now.

I somehow found the nerve to attend my 20th high school reunion, in spite of the fact I looked horrible. I kidded myself with the fact that I was able to fit into smaller pants than I did in high school. Never mind that at that point I weighed what I weighed in high school — something a man who was 38 should not exactly be able to say. I look at pictures of myself from that evening and just wonder what I was thinking. But yet I knew what I was thinking — I thought I was going to die soon and this would be my last chance to see these people ever again.

I finally made it back to Los Angeles and began the promised hunt for a doctor. With it being between the holidays and having only a few brain cells now fully functioning, I had a difficult time finding a doctor. I finally caved and called a friend and asked for help. I told her I was sick. She said I probably had the flu. I said, “No.” She paused.

Prior to that I honestly didn’t think I deserved to be saved, that I had caused this to happen and I had all of this and more coming to me. I thought that people would run from me and that I would become this social pariah, alone and unloved. It was only when my back was against the wall that I reached out for help.

The first doctor’s visit at Cedars-Sinai, on January 3, 2001, was, well, rather odd. I was completely scared to go alone, or be left alone at any part, and insisted that a friend come with me. This friend is a child television star. She was incredibly supportive, but everyone recognized her. It kind of made for an awkward tone for something so serious. In fact, when my blood was being drawn (for the very first time so I was horrible at it), she was busy signing autographs. It was completely absurd. My advice — don’t bring a public figure to such dramatic moments in your life.

The doctor immediately told me what I had feared so much hearing, that I was most probably HIV positive based on my wasting, no appetite and very noticeable thrush. But the doctor completely missed two major points — that I had PCP [pneumocystis pneumonia] and that “thing” on my face was KS [Kaposi's sarcoma]. He insisted that he was a KS expert and it was not KS. I would find out he was completely wrong a few weeks later, after the PCP he insisted was not there either was finally out of my system.

A week later, on January 10th I was supposed to return to the hospital for my lab report, but I felt absolutely too weak to move. I called my doctor who gave me my laboratory results on the phone: I had AIDS: my CD4 was 60 and my viral load was 300,000. My doctor instructed me to come to the emergency room immediately. A friend picked me up and I was diagnosed with PCP in the emergency room. They admitted me and I was hooked up to intravenous Bactrim. It turned out to be a dramatic rescue. After I had stabilized, my doctor told me that I had been very close to dying. If I had stayed home, I would have lasted only two to three days more.

After a two-week stay at Cedars-Sinai, I finally found the courage inside me to fight this disease and move on with my life. Actually I can pinpoint the very moment — it was after I told my mom. The second you tell your mother you have AIDS; everything is all downhill from there. I started immediately to make calls to everyone in my life that had to hear it out of my mouth first. That had to be the moment I took control of my virus.

Many doctors’ visits followed. I ended up with a situation they had never seen before — it now has a name Immune Reconstitution Inflammatory Syndrome, (IRIS) — because no one had been to the brink and had come back like this before. At least not in 2001. They didn’t see PCP and KS anymore. I became a textbook case and was poked and prodded by every intern Cedars could find in Los Angeles County.

There was a moment in March that reminded me of why I fought. It was when I met my second nephew for the first time. He was born as I was flying home to see my family. I just held him in my arms and thought, “My God, I almost didn’t make it to meet you. I came so very close to not greeting you into this world.” He was just coming into this world, and I came so very close to leaving it just a few weeks before.

Now, I have amazing health, can’t keep my mouth shut about my struggles with HIV, am constantly looking for ways to help others with HIV that do not have the advantages I have — it’s a complete turn-around. I am about to do something few people attempt to do at my age, much less people with AIDS — I plan to attend law school in Fall of 2010. The idea is to study health policy law and take my activism further and get a chance to make more of a difference for many, many more people.

AIDS has taught me much. I would have never guessed that something so very horrible would have turned into an amazing experience, but it really has. It has defined the man I am today, and I like the person I am becoming. I have traveled many roads that people with immune systems don’t get a chance to — good and bad. And I am no longer that scared, insecure boy from Schenectady, New York.

Activists are definitely made, and are not born.

Now Thomas works as a producer and publicist in the entertainment industry and has been widely recognized for his HIV/AIDS activism.

In 2006, the New York Times named him an Unsung Hero in the Fight Against HIV/AIDS for his Christmas Goody Bag Project for the residents of the San Antonio AIDS Foundation Hospice; and in 2008, Thomas was the Foundation’s Angel of the Year. Recently, DeLorenzo’s alma mater, Hofstra University, named him Alumnus of the Month for his work on behalf of people living with HIV/AIDS.

DeLorenzo is the final stages for the launch of his website, SwagforGood.org, where he can continue his Christmas Gift Project for other AIDS hospice patients throughout the country, such as Joseph’s House in Washington, D.C. DeLorenzo will also be the opening speaker for the Hofstra University’s Pride Network launch event on December 2, 2009.

When not reading or prepping for the LSAT, DeLorenzo writes about the need for a national health care plan from a person with AIDS point of view for the Huffingtonpost.com. His personal life includes lengthy discussions on great works of literature with his favorite accountant

Currently DeLorenzo is putting together his annual goody bags for the AIDS hospice and is seeking donations of items that would be as helpful and uplifting to these patients. If you have a company, brand, store or project that would like to contribute to this effort, please reach out to Thomas DeLorenzo here

LPW

Occasionally Lark Lennox has posted here and she sent this to us here at Living in a Perfect World.

I met my pal Joey at an all-girls camp when we were 11. Our friendship spanned four decades (with a few gaps). When we reconnected, it was as if we’d never been apart. We spent 8 weeks together every summer, and Christmas and Easter vacations together in between. Eventually, we even went to college together.

We lost contact a few times but we were always “best friends.”

I always thought that as long as her name was in my address book, she was within reach. (Yes, that’s a lot clumsier than James Taylor’s lyric, “I always thought that I’d see you again,” but that’s what I believed.)

It doesn’t work that way. Joey died in 2007.

This is the letter that I wrote to her mother.

Dear Gloria,

I hope that you are well and that this letter doesn’t cause more harm than good.

I just learned about Joey a few days ago, and even though it’s been such a long time, I needed to write to tell you how very, very sorry I am.

Joey and I sometimes went long stretches without being in touch, but when we’d get together again, it always felt like the old days of being best friends.

She gave me a huge amount of love and support during very difficult times, helping me deal with my runaway 16-year-old daughter, the end of my marriage and other challenges.

I knew she had a series of problems associated with her illness. When she stopped answering my emails and returning my calls, I convinced myself that my issues were just too draining for her to deal with. I didn’t want to contribute to her stress. I always believed that when she was feeling stronger, we’d be back in each other’s lives full-time. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there for her or to give you some measure of support.

Over the past few days, I’ve been retrieving memories of times with Joey. I’ve been lucky to have a number of friends who counseled and comforted me during hard times–and your daughter was always one of them–but more importantly, I realized that the absolute best, silliest, most fun times of my life were spent with her as well. Over the years, we spent a lot of time being goofy and laughing uncontrollably. (Once, when we were about 16, my mother accused us of being “on drugs” because we were laughing so hard. That just made us laugh harder.)

Our last summer at Camp K, Joey and I had matching “footie” pajamas. We’d perform “Little Bunny Foo-Foo” for our bunkmates. It was silly enough at 15, but we actually reprised the roles for friends when we were in college.

I know that we could be a handful for our counselors and parents. It’s hard for me to apologize with a completely straight face, but I do hope we didn’t cause too much trouble. (When counselors told us that we were rotten to the core, rats and finks, we made up our little “Rat Cheer” to celebrate the frustration we caused. “Rats to the end, Rotten to the core, Finks alllll the way through…” We did the cheer whenever we got together, even as adults. It always ended with hysterical laughter and a big hug.)

My parents loved Joey, too. Even when he became very forgetful in later years, my father often remembered her and asked what she was up to. I guess we hadn’t annoyed him too much, because he always smiled and chuckled at the mention of her name, saying “She’s quite a character.”

My daughter went to Camp K for several summers. She loved hearing about our escapades and, much to my chagrin, she tried to recreate some of them when she was a camper. I drove her to and from camp each year–and I loved recapturing that feeling of joy that Joey and I shared at camp. (I know we sometimes acted as if we thought we were prisoners, but the kvetching was a sham. We had a blast.)

I always called Joey when I returned from those trips so I could share the experience with her. Inevitably, the conversation would turn to, “Remember when we…?” and we’d retrieve more memories of great times together.

I loved your daughter and I had more fun with her than with anyone else on the planet. Thank you for making her for me. Thank you for sharing her with me.

Love,
Poppy

Thank you to Lark Lennox for her precious memories and pain-filled sharing of love and friendship.

Religion Is #3

We are complex. We are in a constant staet of evolution and we need to be patient with ourselves as well as with each other. Let us love one another and accept each other — not only for the good qualities but for all of our flaws. We have been divided for the sake of union and for far too long. Let’s all do our best to find our way back together. Isn’t that what true religion is all about? This is what I believe basically and it will evolve with each new experience. As I said before, I’m not truly sure where I am going, but I am confident I am making progress. I can’t tell you what to think but I hope that you will see this essay for what it is. It was meant to inspire you to find your truth. Your truth exists. It waits for you to seek it out in the only place it could possibly abide…. your heart ” Some will lead, and some will follow.” ” In the end, I hope and pray that we can all find a common ground to build upon a new and brighter world for our children” I hope that you enjoyed reading this passage as much as I enjoyed writing it. Good luck.

Jeheshua

We are judged, by others, in accordance with our acctions in this world. I have taken the lives of two women by drinking and driving. I know how this makes me look but there are things about me that no one knows. I have saved more than one life in my time on this planet as well. I once carried a pregnant woman having a seizure through a rain storm to a waiting ambulance four blocks away. I don’t think there was a reason for me doing this other than she needed my help. I did not know this woman or her husband. I once pulled a man from a burning vehicle that he had flipped over in a rainstorm. I didn’t think about my own safety. All I knew was that he needed my help. I did not know this man. When I was 17 years old, I saw an old man fall and hit his head. Ihe was bleeding terribly. While everyone else stood there and did nothing, I pulled off my shirt and stopped the bleeding. When the ambulence arrived, I disappeared. i did not know this man. All I knew was that he needed my help. In all three instances, I acted out of compassion. I did not stick around to receive thanks or a pat on the back. Knowing that I had done what I could was enough for me. These are some of the things that very few people know about me. yes, I have made mistakes in my life, one huge one in particular. I deserve to be judged by the whole of my existence in this place and that judgement should not come from your or anyone else. you are not worthy because we have all made mistakes. Trust me on this, I have judge myself more harshly than you or anyone else. In making this judgement, I have considered all the facts and I have decided I am forgiven. This one moment of ignorance does not define who I am. My ife is worth so much more than that and there is more more to live.

Jeheshua